Dear Readers: On March 16, I shared a letter from “mother of three three”, who lost her daughter five years ago and I felt insecure of how to answer when people ask: “How many children do you have?”
Several readers wrote with reflective and empathic suggestions. I would like to share four with you today.
Dear Eric: I lost my beautiful and intelligent eldest son for alcoholism three years ago.
If the situation is informal, I answer that we create three boys and now we have four granddaughters, including girls, a new experience for us! For many situations, that is enough information.
When conversations are deeper, I say calmly that we dissolved a child to alcoholism, an important fact that should be said. It can be an awkward moment, but we have many blessings and enjoy life with our whole family and friends.
– Mother of three
Dear mother: I like to frame your response in a way that you feel more comfortable for you; That is key. In addition, by sharing more information when you choose, you never know who could help. Thanks for writing and sorry for the loss of your child.
Dear Eric: I understand “Mother of three”. I lost two adult children, my son Alan A, and my youngest daughter, Leslie, for advanced breast cancer, five and three years ago.
I also felt uncomfortable when I asked me how many children I have. It is easier if I say one, but I feel that I am denying my children who died. What I say now is: “I have a surviving son, a daughter who lives in Seattle.” Sometimes I say more, sometimes not.
– Another mother of three
Dear mom: I regret the loss of Alan and Leslie. What I see in your response is an awareness that sometimes we are in a place to share more extensively and sometimes we are not, and the bones are correct. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Eric: I also lost a child five years ago. He was 17 years old and suffered an involuntary overdose.
At first, while trying similar feelings, I would never deny my son’s existence in any situation. So, when inevitable questions come with new people about how many children I have and what do they do with their lives, etc., I say I have two children and one of them died. Then I follow up with: “Okay, I love talking about him!” And I do it!
His loss is both a part of knowing me and anything you can see on the surface. I hope this helps.
– Another mom angel
Dear mom angel: What a beautiful and wise point: every part of your child’s trip will always be part of your life. I am slippery because talking about him brings you joy and regrets the loss you suffered.
Dear Eric: I have a friend who lost her son for suicide, and by investigating how [daughter’s age] And lives in Boulder. That way, people can respond to the degree they can.
People who are not about usual ask about the daughter and do not respond about the son, and those who are closer, have a similar experience or feel comfortable discussing him, ask about the son.
– Reader
Dear reader: This is another elegant way to navigate this conversation with the truthfulness and an awareness that some different people bring different emotions and experiences to a conversation.
Dear Eric: I would like to offer other suggestions for “sister in the middle”, the woman whose sister has a controlling and verbally abauous child.
I have worked in the world of long -term attention for more than 20 years, and if he fears that his star is really being verbally abused, and he is concerned about his sister’s well -being, he can call adults live. You can make an anonymous call, sharing all the groups you have. It sounds like a defined group for abuse and isolation of the elderly.
The abuse of elders has many forms. Calling APs can be a safe and effective way to ensure sister’s safety by people who can be impartial and impartial, but also be there for this woman’s sister when she can’t.
It may seem intrusive, and the family/friends sometimes hesitate to call, but the alternative is to have a continuous loved one to live in any type of abusive relationship, even if he is with his son.
– worried social worker who cares
Dear Social Worker: Thanks for this resource. If the sister is a senior, APS can provide very necessary support.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas to Eric@askingeric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19110. Follow it on Instagram @ouric and register for your weekly bulletin in Reichomas.com.
